Forgive and forget

 

1 John 1:9. NRSV

9 If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Confession.  Growing up that word meant going to the church, waiting in line until it was my turn to kneel in a tiny dark closet while a priest on the other side of a small window in the closet listened while I rattled off the things that I figured I probably did that week.  Things like, disrespecting my mother, lying about something or other, being mean to my sister.  When I finished my list the priest would tell me to go say some prayers to atone, and asked me to pray a sincere Act of Contrition.  I would do as I was told, but I don’t ever remember feeling really repentant about any of those things.  I would promise not to do them again, but I would be back there the next week with the same list of sins.  I didn’t believe forgiveness was real, you see, because even though the priest always said I was absolved of my sin, I would also be reminded that I would still have to pay for my sins by spending hundreds or thousands of years in Purgatory.  So, yeah.  Didn’t feel really forgiven, or cleansed of unrighteousness, even though I had confessed.

Years later I would be told by my 12 Step Sponsor that I would have to make a list of all the things I had done that are wrong, and all people I had harmed (including myself), and then share those lists with God and with another person.  Been there, done that.  The whole confessional thing didn’t really work for me.  Anyway, I didn’t really believe God was in the business of forgiving.  But, because I would do just about anything to make the spiritual pain I was living with go away, I did as I was told.  I learned about myself making those lists.  I still didn’t want to share them out loud.  “God already knows everything I have done,” I said.  “Yes, but now you have to take responsibility for them, and become ready to make amends for them.    If you share them with another you might just find out you are neither as wonderful as you think you are nor as terrible as you fear you might be.”  Hmmm. Ookayy. 

I’ve gone through these Steps a number of times over the years.  The most valuable thing to me is the confession part. It is the process of becoming vulnerable with another person whom I trust not to judge or blab.  Doing those things invariably takes a huge weight from my shoulders, weight I didn’t even know I was carrying.  Confessing honestly and sincerely, I feel truly forgiven, as I never had before.   The amends part - well, that’s much more complicated than saying five Hail Mary’s. That can take years to accomplish.  

Forgiving God, you are faithful and just.  You are willing to forgive and forget, letting us start fresh, whenever we confess our sins and take responsibility for our words, actions and inactions.  For your grace we give you thanks.  Amen.