Saturday, March 25, 2017

Things I know about me.

"Confession is good for the soul."  True.
"Joy shared is joy doubled.  Pain shared is pain halved."  Also true.

The thing is, it takes a lot of courage to share and when the thing that needs to be shared is fear, it seems to require even more courage than usual.  You see, I suffer from anxiety in a number of fairly specific situations.  The anxiety is caused in part by upbringing and in part by PTSD - although, come to think of it, I could be traumatized by the stress of trying to live up to my mother's expectations.

Unfortunately, those specific situations are often every day, gotta-do-them-for-work type situations.  

For example:

Going to a new place for the first time with the attendant risk of getting lost.
When I am lost I don't know for sure whether I am safe, and the anxiety that results from being a rape survivor triggers an anxiety attack.  I work very hard at making sure I know how to get where I am going, how long it ought to take, alternate routes in case of road construction or accidents, and as many landmark type details as I can put together.  This is much easier today with all the GPS map apps, and Siri is a true blessing. But I still plan in advance, just in case.   IF it should happen, as it did today, that I was headed for an event and I discovered at the last minute before leaving that I had the location wrong, anxiety kicks in and I cannot force myself to leave the house.   Then I need to contact a friend who understands for help settling back down again.

Visiting people.
My mother taught us to NEVER EVER invite ourselves over to anyone's home.  She was so strict about this particular rule that she wouldn't even ask her own sister if she could come to visit!  As children this meant when we were playing with neighbor kids and needed to use the bathroom we had to run home instead of asking if we could use theirs.  If they invited us into the house, that was ok.  But otherwise, we had to either hold it or go home.  As an adult it means that it takes all I have to call a member of the church and ask if I might drop in.  Since I am the pastor, this is kind of a problem.   I can do it if I know the person a bit and have been there before at their invitation, or if I have visited with other people.  But the first time, even the second time, is totally panic inducing.  I will pick up the phone and freeze, unable to even dial the number.   That is getting a little better, but I am glad that a few people at the church are now aware of this issue and are willing to help me through it.

Going to events alone.
I want to.  I really do want to go to so many events here in Selma and in the nearby city of Fresno.  I want to go to football games and girls wrestling matches and the high school musical and plays at the Art Center and concerts of the Fresno Master Chorale and music in the park during the summer.  But I can't seem to force myself to walk into any of those places by myself.  Maybe if I know there will be people there I know, and I know where to find them at the event.  But just the idea of walking in alone causes nausea and hyperventilation.  I simply cannot be certain that I am safe.

Going to any place where I will be one of a very few women in a crowd of men.
I'm a domestic violence and rape survivor with resultant PTSD.  A room full of men can be terrifying.  The first time I tried to go to what is said to be the best donut shop in Selma it was full of men.  I couldn't even walk in the door to get to the women behind the counter.  I went back later, when there weren't many customers.  Luckily, donuts are bad for me.

Therapy has helped.  Talking to others about it has helped.  Sharing it with what feels like the whole world is terrifying.  But I know that I am not the only one with these issues, and hopefully me sharing will be of help to someone.

God said, "Fear not, for I am with you."  It's hard to remember that when I'm in the grip of an anxiety attack.  But I always do remember, and I am able to get through the anxiety more quickly.  Sometimes I can even avoid the attack entirely.   It is a process, and this is part of that process.

Thanks for listening.